HO HO HO

*SIGH*Ah Christmas- the roar of a birchwood fire, the smell of a fresh frasier fir, and the sight of your 9 month old baby puking all over her brand new, shiny, red piano.

So it was a great day until the piano incident. And even then, Helena was just smiling away. I will thank her someday, for helping us to create the most memorable Christmas of our adult lives, and for living up to all the cliches about babies and holidays.

In the meantime, our condo has turned into kid-crap-central. You name, we have it. Huge, oversized, stuffed animals? Check. Loud toys? Check. Toys with a million pieces that are impossible to contain? Check, check and check. Helena's thoughts on this transformation? She's busy playing with her shoes and some junk mail, let me get back to you on that.

We made it!

Our Thanksgiving adventure was a success: I gained multiple pounds and Helena did not have an in-flight meltdown. The only moment of frustration I encountered was at O'Hare when the security guy told me that Helena needed to take her shoes off too. Um, really? Because you think that 1) she looks suspicious and 2) that you could really squeeze some harmful materials into two inches of rubber? Normally, I would have questioned his judgement but I let it go and Helena went barefoot on the way home.

So it was good, but I can see why people with babies aren't earning a whole lot of frequent flyer miles. I'm holding out for that 'beam me up' technology for our next trip.

Wings

Tomorrow, Helena will take her first trip on an airplane. She's not excited either, don't be fooled by her happy-go-lucky appearance above.

I am already keenly aware of subsequent blog entries revolving around this adventure; being harassed by the TSA for having too much baby food, sitting behind an I-don't-cover-my-mouth-when-I-cough-and-sneeze kind of passenger, and of course Helena's ear piercing musical offerings for the cabin and crew. This better be the best turkey I have ever eaten.

Merci Jean-Claude (1935-2009)

My freshman year at Virginia Tech I had no idea what I was going to do so I was in an exploratory ciriculum. One of the courses I took studied Jean-Claude & Christo's Running Fence, as shown above. I was fascinated- totally hooked on the life-changing effect that art can have on the individual. To this day, I credit that course and more specifically that single piece of art as two of the most influential experiences in my life. If you can, rent the documentary and see it for yourself. The beauty of an 18 foot tall, white nylon fence running 24 miles across Sonoma and Marin Counties in Northern California is inexplicably breathtaking.

More coffee

See this guy? That's how I feel BEFORE my morning jolt; like a big, fanged monster, ruthlessly gulping down any and every hot beverage in sight, growling along the way.

The other day I stopped into my favorite local coffee shop and asked for a large coffee. I normally get a small or maybe a medium, but never before had I ordered a large. It had been quite the night. The barista hands me the cup and I give him the first-day-on-the-job look and say, "No, I'm sorry, I said a large." Totally rattled, he apologetically took the cup back and went to the stockpile. "Ummm, this actually IS the large cup." All I could muster was an, "Oh" punctuated by a big sigh.

New Photos

So I've been lazy about blogging, but I have not been lazy about snapping photos of Little H. Enjoy!

http://gallery.me.com/kristen.hagan

Helena's First Halloween

Halloween is my new favorite holiday!

I'm not a Vegan

Denver and I have fully re-assessed our diets over the past few months. I won't get into details, but we are walking a tightrope between being lazy vegetarians and full-blown vegans. Crazy talk, I know.

This past weekend we drove back to East Lansing to watch the Spartans crush the Wolverines. Actually, it was by the skin of their teeth, but they won- who cares how they did it.
On the interstate we passed a truck carrying pigs. I've seen these trucks hundreds of times and not thought twice, but this time the truck was carrying baby pigs (piglets?) and they were so tiny and so cute.

So right then and there, I'm thinking, 'no more pork.' And Denver's thought, in response to the permanent sad sulk on my face?

"Babe, we're on the top of the food chain, try to enjoy it."

Ironically, that night we had pork chops for dinner at the Hagan's. They were pretty tasty.

Oh to be a man

Helena has been a great sleeper- we've been VERY lucky. I won't get into details because the non-sleeper's parents out there will be at our door with pitch forks by morning.

For whatever reason, over the last couple months, Helena has decided to get up earlier and earlier. I would hardly call it a night waking because it's usually at like 4 or 5 am. This morning it was at 4:30AM. So at 7:30AM when she stirred again, Denver and I had, what has become, our typical morning exchange.

"Wow, she did great sleeping last night."

"Huh?"

"She slept like 12 hours."

"No, YOU slept like 12 hours."

"Oh."

"Right."

Discussion questions:

a) How does he not hear her?
b) How does he not hear me 1) get out of bed to get her and 2) get back into bed afterward?
c) Why is he still so tired after a night of undisturbed sleep?

Oh to be a man.

'Tude

One thing is for sure about my childhood- I had a major attitude problem. Some might argue that I still do, but I would argue back and then it would get ugly.

My mom had the patience of a saint. I mean, I could just push and push and push and sometimes she barely winced at the aggravation I was certainly causing.

In church one Sunday I was doodling on the program per usual when I decided to write my mom a note. Anything to avoid the sermon.

"I don't feel good, I'm not going to school tomorrow."

My mom reads the note and responds, simply: "We'll see."

Undeterred, I reply: "YOU'LL SEE me not going to school tomorrow."

I don't know how she didn't crack up because if Helena passed me a note like that I'd be in tears. I guess she was used to my antics by that point.

The Bumpers

While pregnant, I undertook major domestic tasks such as knitting, sewing, and crib bumper making. I worked hard on those bumpers. So you can imagine my dismay when every health professional we spoke with advised (strongly) against using them in the crib. Desperate to show off my handy work (to who, Helena?), at our 4 month well visit, again, I asked the doctor if I could use the bumpers yet.

"No, never."

At this point I'm adding up all of the wasted hours and dollars I spent putting these things together.

Two months later (now), I put these now famous bumpers on the crib, just to see what happens.

She's never slept better.

Case closed.

Boo-yah.

What would Larry David do?

The other day the credit card machine was bunk at our local coffee shop- I had no cash so the owner (who I am friendly with) just asked that I pay her next time.


Well the next time I came in she wasn't there- it was her new/only employee. I asked this person to charge me double for my coffee and explained the situation. I recieved a blank expression, no acknowledgement of what I was talking about and still paid double.


So then the next time I go in it's the owner working and I feel the need to clarify the situation.


"Hey, just so you know, I was in on Tuesday and your new girl was here and I told her to charge me double from that day your credit card machine was broken."


"Oh don't even worry about it, it's all a wash, I just figure everything evens out in the end."


Now, Larry David would've said, "I don't think you heard me, I paid you and we are even, I don't owe you anything."

Me? I just stood there, stunned by the stupidness of the situation.

My baby is a 6 month old

http://gallery.me.com/kristen.hagan

Very few cliches come true in reality- I mean, not every mustached and tatooed man is an escaped convict, though I treat them all as if they were. But when it comes to babies, time really does fly.

Humor Helps

Thank God for humor, where would we be without it? Humor turns awkward moments into fond memories and helps to heal wounds, big and small. My mom had an incredible sense of humor, one that I have been lucky enough to adopt. She was always playing tricks and teasing John and I as kids, me especially it seems. This would explain why I'm so much funnier than my brother today. Her life was super blog worthy- so I thought I would share a few especially memorable stories from our time together.

Our Sunday tradition growing up was early service church and then brunch- usually at a local restaurant called Betty's, but occasionally we only made it to McDonald's. One Sunday in particular we ended up at McDonald's and my dad was out of town. John must have been sitting down at a table already because I was the only witness to the events that followed.

Keep in mind, we were close to being regulars at this one particular McDonald's, and this was pre-Super Size Me.

On this particular day the manager was keen on my mom. He gave us unparalleled customer service and stopped his duties just to let my mom know how beautiful he thought she was.

My mother was not good at being complimented and just sort of shrugged it off. Plus, she was a married woman with child.

"No, I'm serious," as he looked her dead in the eye and super serious, "you are really, really beautiful." It was borderline psycho.

I don't remember how my mom explained the encounter to me, but I know that we laughed about it for years. Mostly we laughed about how it's one thing to be told you are beautiful, but something different entirely when the suitor is a manager at McDonald's.

In memory of my mom

Stephanie Lea Wahl

1947-2009

An amazing mom, a fun grandma and a very clever lady.

Helena is 5 months old!

Updated photos here....

http://gallery.me.com/kristen.hagan

Denver Rants

Denver is a very funny ranter. He takes a situation and then he just runs with it forming this little conversation with himself and he cracks me up. During the All-Star game last week there was a very nice presidential prelude leading up to the festivities. At the end of Obama's talk he listed some website. This started off, what I think, was one of Denver's more entertaining rants.

"This guy (no disrespect intended), he's got a web site for everything (true, and welcome to the 21st century I guess). What, does he do meet with foreign leaders and then at the end say, 'For more information go to americalovesrussia.gov Mr. Prime Minister. Where you can learn about all of the reasons that America does love Russia, like vodka, cheap prostitution, and easy adoption. And if you're still not convinced visit americalovesukraine.gov where you can learn how we love all of the places that USED to be Russia, er the Soviet Union or whatever.'"

See, you can be bipartisan AND still be funny.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

We all hope that Helena inherits Denver and I's best qualities. However, it looks like she's already picked up on my terrible habit of flashing the bird.

You all know I'm joking, right? I mean, it was one time and I was on a hormone roller coaster and frankly the guy deserved it. Refer to my former, insane, pregnant life here: And then there were three...: City Drivers.

trick of the week

Hand in mouth = Funny

Toe in mouth = Very funny

Toe and hand in mouth = Super funny

We have our first sponsor

Everyone knows that Helena is going to be a world-class something: athlete, musician, actress, accountant....you get the idea.

Luckily, we've secured our first sponsor to help Helena achieve her goals.

And no, beer isn't the reason Helena is such a good sleeper.

baby wants, baby gets

Helena and I learned a valuable lesson today. If we like something, and it's green, then Daddy will buy it for us.

So there we were, trolling a rack of children's clothing when I pulled out this little green & white number and simply said, "Look Den, Spartan Green."

"I'm buying her that."

He had that romper in his hands and was at the checkout before you could say zippidy-doo-da.

I think green might just be my new favorite color.

More photos....and videos!

http://gallery.me.com/kristen.hagan

You're blocking my sun Mom

We finally had a nice day over the weekend and Denver, Helena and I spent some time out by the lake shore. Here are some of the moments we captured. She's way too cool in those shades!

I've got one hand in my pocket

No, Helena hasn't learned to put her hands in her pockets. I'm still getting over the fact that her pants actually have pockets. Explain to me, somebody, why my baby needs pockets on her pants? Those Baby Gap designers are somewhere still having a laugh about it, I'm sure.

Denver put her hand in her pocket, we had a chuckle, and I snapped a photo. Thus marks the beginning of many unknowingly entertaining/embarrassing moments for Helena.

Helena Who?

So on Helena's Baptism morning, she did what any normal baby would do- on the ride to the church she spit up ALL over her beautiful outfit. She had the booties, the adorable bib and the little heirloom dress with a matching sweater and in 10 seconds it was soaked- all of it.

Luckily, I had a change of clothes. But it was a white footed one piece so as Helena was up on the alter she was the one baby who looked like her mom woke up, rolled out of bed and decided today was the day to Baptize her child.

As we arrived at the church, I headed right for the bathroom for a changing table. Being a church, the first person who walks in offers support.

"Do you need any help?"

I wouldn't even know where to begin.

The second person who walks in is a little old lady. Church Lady #1, if you will.

"OH look at this precious little baby, look at her! What's her name?"

"Helena."

"Katrina?"

"No no, He-lee-na."

"Selena?"

"No no, with an H, HEH-LEE-NA."

"OOh, Elaina. How old is she?"

"Two months."

"Oh she's just precious"

At this point she walks into the stall as Church Lady #2 enters the bathroom. She just oh's and ah's and heads to the stall but in the mean time Church Lady #1 becomes my spokes person.

Church Lady #2 "That baby is adorable, what's her name?"

Church Lady #1 (shouting from the neighboring stall) "Elaina and she's four months old, isn't she precious?"

Church Lady #2 "Oh my yes."

Oh my indeed.

Contest Worthy

I'm not trying to brag (yes I am), but I'm pretty sure that I could win some sort of million dollar sweepstakes with this photo.  Not only am I an incredible photographer, but this just happens to be the cutest picture ever.  

See this, and more at http://gallery.me.com/kristen.hagan.

Whatchamacallit

Remember pregnancy brain? Of course you do. It was the reason for many an imbecilic discussion between Denver and myself. Well, here is the kicker. It never leaves. I mean, maybe if you get pregnant again it cancels itself out, but I'm afraid pregnancy brain has turned into mom brain.

I notice it most with simple words like car, train or baby.

"Hey Denver, will come over and hold the um, the uh, hold the..."

"The baby?"

"Yeah, will you hold the baby while I go grab the laundry?"

Someone call child services.

Sike.

And I'm spent...

As you can imagine, I have experienced PLENTY of incidents and events that are not only blog worthy, but would probably make some of you physically ill.  For today, I thought I would just run down the course of events leading to Helena's birth day, (in the most vague language possible) in case you missed hearing it from the horse's mouth.

March 9, 2009

7:15AM  

My water breaks.  Did you know only one in ten women experience this?  I was in full-blown denial at this point.  I went to get a third pair of underpants when Denver looked at me and the puddle below and asked, "Did your water break?"  To which I giggled and simply said "Nah!"

8:00AM

We get to Triage at Prentice Women's Hospital where they confirm that my water has broken and I am contracting.  I feel zero pain at this point and I am just a giddy, chatty mess.  

10:00AM

I head to the Labor & Delivery room where I have a sick view of Lake Michigan and Lake Shore Drive.  I realize that I'm incredibly hungry but I am forbidden to eat until I deliver the baby.

1:00PM

I'm still hungry and I still don't have any pain.  

4:00PM

GIVE ME THE EPIDURAL!

9:00PM

By this point I've made almost no progress.  All of these contractions and no progress.  I'm hungry and anxious.

10:00PM

I am devouring ice chips.

10:15PM

I snap at Denver when he asks if I want more ice chips.

March 10, 2009

1:00AM

Doctor says to start pushing! (FINALLY)

5:05AM

Our Baby Girl arrives!!!  My exhaustion & hunger is traded in for shear joy and overwhelming emotion.

Hello Helena!!

New Photos

I'm always adding photos to my mobile me gallery.....so keep checking back or select "subscribe" and you'll be notified every time I add new pictures.

Happy MDW!

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More photos!

http://gallery.me.com/kristen.hagan#gallery

heh-LEE-nah

We knew when we chose Helena's name that there would be a learning curve on the pronunciation.  However, given that I get everything from Christina to Christian on a daily basis, we couldn't let a few numbskulls cause us to go with an easier to pronounce name.  

There are three correct ways to say Helena: 1) our way, heh-LEE-nah.  2) Like the mountain, HEL-ena.  3) And heh-LAY-nah.  Despite this fact, every time we go to the doctor the nurse manages to find a new and inventive way to say her name.  I sat in the waiting room as she yelled out some combination of Elana and Elaine for more than a few minutes.  When I realized she was just butchering my baby's name, I firmly corrected her, possibly with a scowl.  

And so begins a lifetime of corrections Helena will have to endure.  She'll come up with something clever to help people understand her name the way Denver has,  (Denver, like the city- yes, really)  maybe she'll go with, "Helena, rhymes with subpoena."  Until then, just ask, we'll tell you.

She's an angel

I was never a mushy baby person.   And having a baby hasn't really changed that fact.  I don't baby talk Helena, I talk to her like she's a normal human.  And 5-7 year olds still scare me.  But to me, Helena is the most precious thing in the world.  She's been with us 4 weeks to the day, and I can't imagine life without her.  She has truly captured my heart in a way I never thought possible.  Oh boy, what did I say about not being a mushy baby person?

Big Day Out

Yesterday, I had my first trip out, solo.  Basically I walked around the neighborhood for about 40 minutes, but hey- that was a big day for me.  Of course, it wasn't without some adventure.

First, I got whistled at.  Now, I'm head to toe in sweat pant material but I couldn't help but think to myself, "I'm back!" 

Next, I was accosted by a homeless person.  Nothing shocking here except after his long woe is me spiel all I could muster was that he wanted $10.  So I say to him, "You want me to give you $10?"  And he looks at me, dead serious and says, "No, I want $20."  I had to chuckle.  

So that was my big day out.  It is amazing that something so small (Helena) can keep someone (Me) so busy.  

I had no idea.

 

Photos, photos, and more photos

If you can't get enough baby pictures, please visit.....

http://gallery.me.com/kristen.hagan#100031

We're doing great!

Helena has gained all of her birth weight back and then some...she continues to amuse us with her myriad of facial expressions...and I am thankful to live in a big city so that when I am up at 3AM with the little munchkin, the comforting sounds of drunkards on the streets below reminds me that I am not alone at that hour.

Helena Eve Hagan

On Tuesday, March 10 at 5:05 in the morning we welcomed the arrival of our daughter, Helena.  I don't know how to blog about labor and delivery quite yet....but I'm sure I'll find the words soon enough.  Sharing some pictures taken on day two- enjoy and a big thank you to everyone for the ongoing support and prayers during this crazy time.  

Much love,

Kristen & Denver

Tick Tock Tick Tock

A good friend once referred to this time period of pregnancy as feeling like you are a ticking time bomb. I'm beginning to feel that way myself.

It seems impossible that I could remain pregnant any longer. And yet I awake everyday, still pregnant. The wheels are starting to fall off a bit, however. I've gone from turtle slow to sloth slow speeds. And sleeping is a thing of the past. I'm either having hot flashes or I'm trying to figure out where to place my belly for ultimate comfort. Still, everyday I spring out of bed just thinking, "maybe today is the day!" I imagine the birthing process is probably a lot like finding love, you can't anticipate it. It just happens one day, out of the blue, and it knocks you on your ass.

What I think about pregnancy

Oh how I wish I could blog about so many inappropriate things related to pregnancy. I can dish on that all you want, just call me. But here, I will boil it all down for you right now. In it's truest form, pregnancy is the most basic and fundamental event in life. And the medical care that goes along with it is, for the most part, prehistoric at best.

Your first few prenatal visits you are just, shall we say, pregnant with anticipation. You wonder- what is the doctor going to tell me today? What will I learn about this growing baby? And the truth is, nothing. You get weighed, they check your blood pressure and you get 30 seconds to ask a question that warrants a reasonable answer. My doctor actually recommended that I get a good pregnancy book- as if to say, take your crazy questions to the index, not to me.

Eventually they get a little high tech and they start measuring your uterus. Just to clarify, they take a measuring tape and literally measure your belly. WHOA!

See where I'm going with this?

Sure you get the 18 week ultrasound and the 22 week glucose tolerance test. And early on they'll take some blood and you pee in a cup at every visit. But it has just baffled me throughout this entire experience, that in this day and age of major medical breakthroughs, the prenatal process is as archaic as it gets.

Maybe it's all testament to the fact that it is one of this world's greatest miracles, and as such there are some things we can never know. Like, when the heck is this baby really going to pop out of me??? I still can't believe they haven't figured that one out.

The Dentist

In an effort to get everything done that I can possibly get done before the baby arrives, I had my teeth cleaned yesterday. Oddly, my actual dentist does my teeth cleaning. Even more unusual, my dentist cleans President Obama's teeth. Crazy, right? Man, if only the GOP had contacted me about this during the election, I would've been the lynch pin in the race. This guy makes William Ayres look like a saint. Okay, I'm exaggerating. But seriously, he's cleaning my teeth and telling me how drunk he got at his son's graduation party. How relevant is that to me, my teeth, or my general dental hygiene? Not at all. But hey, if it's good enough for Barack, it's good enough for me, right?

To-do List

Denver and I's to-do list is getting shorter by the day. The most critical accomplishment to date was the installation of our infant car seat.

At our CPR class they scare you into having the seat professional installed. They claim only certified safety professionals are fit for the job and then they give some starteling and staggering statistics about infant moratality in car wrecks, and then you immediately sign up for the $50 installation.

Our installer was a mix of Michael J. Fox (circa Teen Wolf) and that guy from Office Space with all of the flare. It was uncanny. He couldn't have been more excited about messing around with car seats on a Wednesday afternoon. Either that or he was on a ridiculous caffeine buzz- he was sipping a very large cup of something.

Baby Shower

This past Sunday, a small group of friends gathered at the gallery to kibitz about babies and the like. It was a really fun afternoon and I was so grateful to everyone who made it, especially the travelers in the group. I've attached a few choice photos- Enjoy!

City Drivers

After leaving our Dr.'s appointment today we navigated through Streeterville- or what I have determined to be the most insane area to drive around in Chicago. At one point we were stuck at a four way stop for so long that when we finally went I had five minutes worth of pent up rage. So it was no surprise that when some little dude in a Honda started to accelerate towards us mid-intersection, I had no choice but to give him the bird.

Denver was not pleased.

"You can't do that, he could've pulled out a gun and shot you, don't ever do that again. What if we knew that guy and I saw him later and he was like, 'hey Denver I saw you and your cute pregnant wife in Streeterville today, yeah I was the guy she gave the finger to.'"

"Sorry."

"Why did you do that???"

"I felt threatened."

There is no excuse for my juvenile behavior. But it's true there are A LOT of ridiculous drivers in Chicago. Anyone who decides to accelerate while a car is in the middle of an intersection deserves more than just a finger, they should get a big slap in the face. Look everyone, just get out of my way. I'm hungry all the time because I have a big baby in my belly and I'm feisty on top of that. Watch out. Somebody get me a cupcake.

Ginormous

This morning I had an ultrasound before my regular check-up. Somewhat unusual, somewhat precautionary, they wanted to see exactly how big this baby was because I was measuring a little further along than normal. As it turns out, Jumper is a big baby, 7 lbs 12 oz big. Keep in mind I have another week until I'm full term and 4 weeks until my actual due date. Wowsers. I'm pretty sure the only word I could muster during the meeting with my OB was, "crazy." I think I said it 7 or 8 times. Denver had all sorts of questions like, "Should Kristen go on a diet?"

Later he told me that he thought it was the two boxes of Lucky Charms that I ate while he was on a business trip about month ago. Perhaps.

I guess that guy with the "twins" comment wasn't so out of line after all.

Hubba Hubba

Some guy asked if I was having twins today.  I just smiled and thought to myself, "you're a real jerk, aren't you?"  Men, always the men.  They just don't get it.

Jumper

Our nickname for the baby is Jumper. Denver coined the name when during the first ultrasound the baby kept jumping up and down. We think after the baby is born and properly named, we'll still call him/her Jumper.

Well Jumper has moved on from those first graceful jumps to rather violent jabs. Sunday night, this baby was squirming, kicking, and rolling around with such force that my ab muscles were sore the next day. At the end of the boxing match, Jumper decided to ball up and take a nap on the far far far side of my belly. It was the most amazing thing. The entire baby was to the right of my belly button. Talk about awkward.

You always hear super pregnant women (37 weeks +) bemoan being pregnant, and now I get it. I'm actually getting there myself. I think it's nature's way of getting you psyched up for Labor and Delivery.

Bring it on! (in a few more weeks...)

Know it all

How does everyone know what this baby is but me?

I was at the hardware store and the check out guy looks at me and just goes, "So you're having a boy." I stared back at him and thought to myself, who is this guy?

Some Eastern European lady in the locker room at the gym walks by me and says, "You have boy, no?"

And the other day, an art handler came to drop off some work at the gallery and he just looks at me and was like, "You're totally having a boy."

Who are these people? And isn't it odd that it's usually a man who seems to know it all? I get the old Russian ladies at the gym, I totally get that-wisdom, old, yada yada yada. But these guys who are just so sure they know what's going on in my belly- where do these guys come from? I just hate to think that someone so clearly over confident in their assumptions could be right. But it is 50/50, so you can't give anyone too much credit for guessing correctly.

Soon enough!

The Valentine Holiday

Happy Valentine's Day!

Some people really get into this holiday. And by some people, I mean most women. I've always been lukewarm about it. My first boyfriend's birthday was on Valentine's Day so that sort of eclipsed my relishing in anything Valentine's-esque for the better part of my teenage years. I've since recovered- I like hearts, I love candy and it's always fun to wear pink.

Wishing everyone a lovely day!

Down to the wire

We're getting down to the wire. I'm 35 weeks, the doctor told me I was measuring further along, and I can just tell this baby isn't going to be on Hagan time, or late, for those of you who haven't experienced the phenomena of "See you at 5" really meaning "See you at 5:15 or so." That being said, Denver and I have put into place a couple of key contingency plans.

IF baby comes before we get the car seat installed THEN Billy Cheeseman comes to pick us up from the hospital (Billy doesn't know this yet, but thanks in advance Billy!)

IF baby comes before the crib arrives THEN baby will sleep in a borrowed Moses Basket.

This threw Denver for a loop.

"What's a Moses Basket?"

"Well, you know the story of Moses..."

"Yeah, he told Noah to build the Ark."

"Um, no that was God."

"Are you sure?"

I don't even think I justified this question with an answer, all I could think was, "hadn't he seen that Charlton Heston movie?"

"Moses was orphaned and placed strategically-to be found-in a basket, hence the name, Moses Basket. He's the guy with the burning bush, the ten commandments.....ring any bells?"

And then Denver launches into his Three Amigos bit about some bush singing "She'll be Coming Around the Mountain."

Boy needs to get his butt back into CCD stat.

Great Expectations???

Yesterday, Denver and I participated in the quintessential baby class at Northwestern, "Great Expectations."  It's basically a 9-5 marathon of all things Labor & Delivery.  I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting that day, but the class wasn't great. Our teacher talked a mile a minute and when she would ask "any questions?" she was on to the next point before you could even think of raising your hand.

I'd say we learned a few key things though.

1)  The hospital gives you (and baby) tons of free stuff before you leave.  Undies, ibuprofen, a fun travel bag, half shirts, diapers, and on and on and on.  Who knew???  I love free stuff.

2)  The delivery rooms & the post-partum rooms are tricked out.  Can you say flat screen TV, Bose stereo system, and hardwood floors?  The place is ridiculous.

3)  There is no way of knowing how to predict any element of labor and delivery.

Denver and I kept chuckling because in all of these videos we watched during the class, the stages of labor were explained ad nauseam and in the most ambiguous method possible. For each stage they would give this huge window of time like- 'this could take anywhere from 1 hour to 12 hours.'  And the best part was all of the different possible side effects of every possible drug or pain medication- 'you could have side effect a, b, c, or d, or none of the above or all of the above or in rare cases something not on this list.'  

At least we had a good laugh.

FYI

We've had a lot of people ask where we are registered- so many that I thought it wise to put up a quick post with that information: Babies R Us and Amazon.com.

I'm also in the process of organizing an all inclusive email list to send out breaking news as it develops. So if you have a new email address or you don't think I have your address at all, send a quick note with your preferred contact so we can add you to the list, khagan@gallerykh.com.

Happy Friday, er Monday!

March Madness

Does everyone know what a basketball nut my husband is? Scratch that, because it's not necessarily basketball as much as it is anything Spartan related. The other day MSU lost (boohoo, it happens) and you would've thought that Denver lost half the value in his 401k or something, wait a sec, bad example. Anyway, he take Spartan hoops very seriously.

So you can imagine my concern with the fact that my due date is, well, let's just say SMACK in the middle of the NCAA tournament.

Denver swears that it won't interfere- after all there are flat screens in the hospital rooms.

Tax Free!!!

Just in time for my recent shopping kick, the stores at 900 N. Michigan Avenue are hosting a TAX FREE shopping weekend February 14 - 16. How exciting is this??!! Very, because in Chicago we pay 10.25% (yes, that's right, it's the highest in all the land) sales tax and it stinks. So take advantage of this opportunity! Together we can get this economy back on it's feet again!

Miles

I've recently been on a miles kick, airline miles that is. For a long time I was off the kick, and now, realizing all of the new and inventive ways you can earn miles (shopping), I'm back.

Blue Nile, for example, will give me 3 miles for every dollar I spend at their diamond super store. This is not information that is of particular interest to me so I shared it with Denver.

"I love subtle hints," he says.

I've never been one for beating around the bush.

The Name Game

Denver and I have a name if the baby is a boy, we've had it since we first found out we were pregnant via CVS and before we found out via Doctor. And we still aren't telling people. Partly out of fear of the name being stolen (there are baby name thieves out there) but mostly because we don't want to see the wincing look on your faces or hear the hesitation in your voices when we tell you the name that we love. And keep in mind, a guy like Denver isn't going to name a baby something like Bob (no offense Bob's) or Sue (sorry Sue's), so you know this name will be different.

That being all well and good, we have struggled with a girl's name. Denver seems to know a questionable character with every single one of my favorite girl names. It's quite remarkable.

So on Saturday night, we went out to a nice dinner and played Baby Name Battleship. Basically we went back and forth through our top ten baby girl names, in order. Then, after allotting points depending on the rating of each name, we came up with a top 3. Very scientific. Me, I'd rather shoot a dart, but Denver likes this kind of thing so I let him roll with it.

OH I bet you are just itching to find out what those names are! And here is the kicker, if it's a boy, you never will.

Stay tuned!

Somebody had a case of the Friday's....

So today at the doctor I was all psyched up for the big weigh-in. I mean, I'm seeing things on this scale that I would imagine (and hope) that I never see again. It's pretty wild stuff actually, and it explains a lot. Like, no wonder my legs ache after hiking a flight of stairs.

Anywho, I hop on the scale and my jaw drops, like normal, and this nurse was my ace. She goes, "and we'll go ahead and take 2 pounds off for those boots."

A saint, that woman is a saint. And yes, two pounds really does matter.

Holy Mackeral!

I'm huge! I have no words. Huge! I think I will take the boots off before I weigh-in at the Doctor this week.

Baby 101

We're delivering at Northwestern's Prentice Hospital in downtown Chicago. At least, we're planning on delivering there. I won't let my wild imagination go down any other road at this point. It's a beautiful facility, just a year old and top of the line, state of the art, you name it. Our doctor suggested some of the prenatal classes that you can take there, so of course, I went gung-ho and signed us up for all of them.

They call it Baby 101 but they could call it Babies for Dummies too. So far we've completed CPR and Breastfeeding. That's right, Denver came to Breastfeeding class with me. It was great, he got to burp a fake baby. And he did it perfectly, by the way. Actually, lots of husbands (or whatnot's) were there, it was very impressive. Things have changed since the 60s, really since the 90s. Denver irons his own clothes, manages his own dry cleaning, and even helps in the kitchen when need-be. But he keeps dropping all of these hints about how he doesn't think diaper changes are in his future. And he keeps saying stuff like, "so you have to change the diaper every time they go? even if it's just pee? are you sure?" 3 more classes to go, he'll learn.

Dumb & dumber

I've mentioned couvade symptoms already- the theory that the partner can adopt a sympathetic pregnancy and therefore have pregnancy related symptoms.  Denver has proven that theory, and I can attest to his suffering of one specific couvade symptom: dumbness, or as we like to call it, pregnancy brain.  

Here is a perfect example.  Denver and I are browsing the internet, looking for a camcorder (is that what they are even called anymore?).  Every website seems to have the one we like listed for the same price, $299.

But wait!  Here is a website that has it listed for $209.

Denver says, excitedly, "WOW that's $50 cheaper!"

I look at Denver like he is highly impaired and say: "You dummy, it's $70 cheaper!"

True story.  And definitely one of those "pot calling the kettle black moments."  Love those.

FIVE GUYS

Chicago has a Five Guys, finally!  It's at 2140 N. Clybourn- go go go!  Best burger around, by a long shot.

Irrational Thoughts

When you first learn that you are pregnant, and you are still hiding your precious secret from the world, you do a lot of reading.  It's so fascinating to learn about all of the nuances of your changing mind & body.  But some of the stuff you read is just plain weird.  Like the craving for soap or dirt- also known as pica.  I'm not making this up.  I skipped out on that smorgasbord in favor of pure irrational thinking, which is something these books warn you about. 

It was late summer, and there were a whole string of news stories about how wild animals were ending up in heavily populated areas.  So as I lay down to sleep one evening, my mind began a very elaborate play by play of what would happen if a bear wondered into Chicago and just happened to pop into the gallery for a look around.  Oh I was ready for this bear.  First I would scale across my desk, onto my shelves and finally post myself on the partition  wall in front of my office.  (I'm currently 10 feet in the air, balancing on 5 inches.) Then I would dislodge the track lights, throwing them at the bear until he left.  If that didn't work I was going to start throwing sculptures at him.

This all seems too silly to read, but in my very hormonal brain I was planning a legitimate (and likely necessary) escape scenario.

Come to think of it, before Denver and I were married I had a similar fear of being attacked by a mountain lion during our outdoor wedding ceremony.  I mean, we were in the hills of California, isn't that where all of the mountain lions hang out?  Maybe that whole bear scenario wasn't a result of hormones after all.  It's okay, you can say it, I know what you're thinking. C-r-a-z-y.

Sweet!

Now this is what I'm talking about!  Can't necessarily get a seat on a crowded train but I can get front row parking in the Nordstrom building.  Of course, I don't know how they can really regulate this.  I mean, there are a lot of people in this world who could pass for pregnant. There were at least 3 semesters in college that I looked like I was approaching a due date of some sort.  I think the breaking point was when my mom had to keep running out of the dressing room at the Gap to get me increasingly large sizes.  As I recall, all she needed to say to get me in gear was, "Honey, what happened?"  Ten years later, I'm right back at my pizza/beer/breadstick weight, but this time my extra baggage is super awesome.

Who's the barber here?

Don't mind my mid-80s SNL references, but I can't think of a better way to articulate the way in which the average bystander becomes an expert physician when confronted with a pregnant woman.  The sort of commentary the erupts from these meetings doesn't actually bother me at all, which is surprising.  I was equally surprised by the fact that I don't mind people touching my belly, but that is a whole different post.

Last night we had our big (smashingly successful) opening for a major European painter.  It was kind of a big deal.  Anyway, there was a woman here, very early on in the eveining, who asked how far along I was in my pregnancy.  When I told her, she gave me this crazy-as-all-get-out look and said, "that is one tiny baby."  Did she have on those special x-ray goggles I've been reading about in sci-fi comic books?  My defensive, protective mothering side wanted to smack her and tell her that this is the most perfect baby in the world, neither too big nor too small.  The curious side of me wanted to ask, are you a doctor or a fortune teller?  I let it be, chuckled, and told her that I had just checked out at the Dr. as perfectly average in the baby size department.  That crazy look never left her face during the entire exchange.

Some people find it disgusting (code for jealous) that not every pregnant woman tacks on enough weight that they actually look fat, not just pregnant but fat and pregnant.   I've gained a whopping 30 lbs since the VERY beginning, 25 lbs since they started weighing me in.  That's a lot of pounds on my frame, but since it isn't all in my cheeks and butt, people freak out when they find out I'm 8 weeks from delivery.

Truth be told there is no scientific way to determine baby size without an Ultrasound, which is 15%-20% inaccurate.  My OB basically just feels my belly, looks at my weight and tells me I'm average.  So that nutty lady at the opening could be right.  We'll find out soon enough!

Negative what?

The high today was negative 2.  The high.  That was as warm as it got.  Negative two.  Are you getting me?  Oh, and the windchill was like 20-30 below, somewhere in there.  Who's counting?

This morning on the Weather Channel they had a correspondent off of Lake Shore Drive who claimed that the difference between how cold it is here vs. how cold it is in Fargo was the pain factor.  This man was in physical pain because of the cold, I think he even said his eye was swelling.  Just a word to anyone who is outside of Chicago, and has any complaints about their current weather situation: shut it.   Better yet, I invite you to the painfully cold city of Chicago, you won't have jack to say after a few days here in the tundra.  

Where is that AlGore fella again?  I've got a few words for him too.

Jack

Remember that tiny little baby in the Cubs onesie??  Well here he is, 7 months later and cute as a button!  He looks like he's about to say something very witty, like "I don't know Aunt Kristen, the odds of your baby being half as cute as I am are pretty slim!"  

I know Jack, I know.

Hiatus

Hiatus is just a fancy word for, "I've been lazy."  And it is true, I have been lazy.  I have a good excuse.  Two actually.  I'm pregnant, and we got a Wii for Christmas.

The Wii was only in our house for a day when Denver turned to me, dead serious, and said, "I'm so good at this, people should pay me to coach them on how to be Wii experts."

In all honesty, Denver is quite good and the game itself is very addicting.  Bowling, golf, tennis: these sports become much more fun without the real life nuisance of bowling alleys, tee times, and hourly court fees.

In more relevant news- I'm well into the third trimester (as you can see!) and feeling great. At 31 weeks, moving around is getting trickier by the day but I really can't complain.  At times I feel like a turtle- going slow and unable to flip myself over when stuck on my back. 

It is getting more and more difficult to watch the nurse weigh me in.  Today, I begged for mercy on account of my heavy oversized snow boots.  "These boots have to weigh at least 2 pounds," I pleaded.  She looked at me and suggested I take off the boots.  I sort of looked at her like she was crazy- she may as well have asked me to perform gymnastics.    So we compromised and she took a pound off my weight.  Score!