Somebody had a case of the Friday's....

So today at the doctor I was all psyched up for the big weigh-in. I mean, I'm seeing things on this scale that I would imagine (and hope) that I never see again. It's pretty wild stuff actually, and it explains a lot. Like, no wonder my legs ache after hiking a flight of stairs.

Anywho, I hop on the scale and my jaw drops, like normal, and this nurse was my ace. She goes, "and we'll go ahead and take 2 pounds off for those boots."

A saint, that woman is a saint. And yes, two pounds really does matter.

Holy Mackeral!

I'm huge! I have no words. Huge! I think I will take the boots off before I weigh-in at the Doctor this week.

Baby 101

We're delivering at Northwestern's Prentice Hospital in downtown Chicago. At least, we're planning on delivering there. I won't let my wild imagination go down any other road at this point. It's a beautiful facility, just a year old and top of the line, state of the art, you name it. Our doctor suggested some of the prenatal classes that you can take there, so of course, I went gung-ho and signed us up for all of them.

They call it Baby 101 but they could call it Babies for Dummies too. So far we've completed CPR and Breastfeeding. That's right, Denver came to Breastfeeding class with me. It was great, he got to burp a fake baby. And he did it perfectly, by the way. Actually, lots of husbands (or whatnot's) were there, it was very impressive. Things have changed since the 60s, really since the 90s. Denver irons his own clothes, manages his own dry cleaning, and even helps in the kitchen when need-be. But he keeps dropping all of these hints about how he doesn't think diaper changes are in his future. And he keeps saying stuff like, "so you have to change the diaper every time they go? even if it's just pee? are you sure?" 3 more classes to go, he'll learn.

Dumb & dumber

I've mentioned couvade symptoms already- the theory that the partner can adopt a sympathetic pregnancy and therefore have pregnancy related symptoms.  Denver has proven that theory, and I can attest to his suffering of one specific couvade symptom: dumbness, or as we like to call it, pregnancy brain.  

Here is a perfect example.  Denver and I are browsing the internet, looking for a camcorder (is that what they are even called anymore?).  Every website seems to have the one we like listed for the same price, $299.

But wait!  Here is a website that has it listed for $209.

Denver says, excitedly, "WOW that's $50 cheaper!"

I look at Denver like he is highly impaired and say: "You dummy, it's $70 cheaper!"

True story.  And definitely one of those "pot calling the kettle black moments."  Love those.

FIVE GUYS

Chicago has a Five Guys, finally!  It's at 2140 N. Clybourn- go go go!  Best burger around, by a long shot.

Irrational Thoughts

When you first learn that you are pregnant, and you are still hiding your precious secret from the world, you do a lot of reading.  It's so fascinating to learn about all of the nuances of your changing mind & body.  But some of the stuff you read is just plain weird.  Like the craving for soap or dirt- also known as pica.  I'm not making this up.  I skipped out on that smorgasbord in favor of pure irrational thinking, which is something these books warn you about. 

It was late summer, and there were a whole string of news stories about how wild animals were ending up in heavily populated areas.  So as I lay down to sleep one evening, my mind began a very elaborate play by play of what would happen if a bear wondered into Chicago and just happened to pop into the gallery for a look around.  Oh I was ready for this bear.  First I would scale across my desk, onto my shelves and finally post myself on the partition  wall in front of my office.  (I'm currently 10 feet in the air, balancing on 5 inches.) Then I would dislodge the track lights, throwing them at the bear until he left.  If that didn't work I was going to start throwing sculptures at him.

This all seems too silly to read, but in my very hormonal brain I was planning a legitimate (and likely necessary) escape scenario.

Come to think of it, before Denver and I were married I had a similar fear of being attacked by a mountain lion during our outdoor wedding ceremony.  I mean, we were in the hills of California, isn't that where all of the mountain lions hang out?  Maybe that whole bear scenario wasn't a result of hormones after all.  It's okay, you can say it, I know what you're thinking. C-r-a-z-y.

Sweet!

Now this is what I'm talking about!  Can't necessarily get a seat on a crowded train but I can get front row parking in the Nordstrom building.  Of course, I don't know how they can really regulate this.  I mean, there are a lot of people in this world who could pass for pregnant. There were at least 3 semesters in college that I looked like I was approaching a due date of some sort.  I think the breaking point was when my mom had to keep running out of the dressing room at the Gap to get me increasingly large sizes.  As I recall, all she needed to say to get me in gear was, "Honey, what happened?"  Ten years later, I'm right back at my pizza/beer/breadstick weight, but this time my extra baggage is super awesome.

Who's the barber here?

Don't mind my mid-80s SNL references, but I can't think of a better way to articulate the way in which the average bystander becomes an expert physician when confronted with a pregnant woman.  The sort of commentary the erupts from these meetings doesn't actually bother me at all, which is surprising.  I was equally surprised by the fact that I don't mind people touching my belly, but that is a whole different post.

Last night we had our big (smashingly successful) opening for a major European painter.  It was kind of a big deal.  Anyway, there was a woman here, very early on in the eveining, who asked how far along I was in my pregnancy.  When I told her, she gave me this crazy-as-all-get-out look and said, "that is one tiny baby."  Did she have on those special x-ray goggles I've been reading about in sci-fi comic books?  My defensive, protective mothering side wanted to smack her and tell her that this is the most perfect baby in the world, neither too big nor too small.  The curious side of me wanted to ask, are you a doctor or a fortune teller?  I let it be, chuckled, and told her that I had just checked out at the Dr. as perfectly average in the baby size department.  That crazy look never left her face during the entire exchange.

Some people find it disgusting (code for jealous) that not every pregnant woman tacks on enough weight that they actually look fat, not just pregnant but fat and pregnant.   I've gained a whopping 30 lbs since the VERY beginning, 25 lbs since they started weighing me in.  That's a lot of pounds on my frame, but since it isn't all in my cheeks and butt, people freak out when they find out I'm 8 weeks from delivery.

Truth be told there is no scientific way to determine baby size without an Ultrasound, which is 15%-20% inaccurate.  My OB basically just feels my belly, looks at my weight and tells me I'm average.  So that nutty lady at the opening could be right.  We'll find out soon enough!

Negative what?

The high today was negative 2.  The high.  That was as warm as it got.  Negative two.  Are you getting me?  Oh, and the windchill was like 20-30 below, somewhere in there.  Who's counting?

This morning on the Weather Channel they had a correspondent off of Lake Shore Drive who claimed that the difference between how cold it is here vs. how cold it is in Fargo was the pain factor.  This man was in physical pain because of the cold, I think he even said his eye was swelling.  Just a word to anyone who is outside of Chicago, and has any complaints about their current weather situation: shut it.   Better yet, I invite you to the painfully cold city of Chicago, you won't have jack to say after a few days here in the tundra.  

Where is that AlGore fella again?  I've got a few words for him too.

Jack

Remember that tiny little baby in the Cubs onesie??  Well here he is, 7 months later and cute as a button!  He looks like he's about to say something very witty, like "I don't know Aunt Kristen, the odds of your baby being half as cute as I am are pretty slim!"  

I know Jack, I know.

Hiatus

Hiatus is just a fancy word for, "I've been lazy."  And it is true, I have been lazy.  I have a good excuse.  Two actually.  I'm pregnant, and we got a Wii for Christmas.

The Wii was only in our house for a day when Denver turned to me, dead serious, and said, "I'm so good at this, people should pay me to coach them on how to be Wii experts."

In all honesty, Denver is quite good and the game itself is very addicting.  Bowling, golf, tennis: these sports become much more fun without the real life nuisance of bowling alleys, tee times, and hourly court fees.

In more relevant news- I'm well into the third trimester (as you can see!) and feeling great. At 31 weeks, moving around is getting trickier by the day but I really can't complain.  At times I feel like a turtle- going slow and unable to flip myself over when stuck on my back. 

It is getting more and more difficult to watch the nurse weigh me in.  Today, I begged for mercy on account of my heavy oversized snow boots.  "These boots have to weigh at least 2 pounds," I pleaded.  She looked at me and suggested I take off the boots.  I sort of looked at her like she was crazy- she may as well have asked me to perform gymnastics.    So we compromised and she took a pound off my weight.  Score!